It's Kinda My Thing.

Needed it.

It's been a rough week, but this morning's run was great.  I'm actually tearing-up just thinking about it.  Some of that has to do with the fact that I'm sitting here listening to the song Center (my friend Anthony recorded it and I laid harmonies over it) and looking at my beautiful wife and wonderful children and I'm a little exhausted.  I think I should get a shirt that says, "Crying. It's sorta my thing."

So, first the run and then a little about the last few days.

First of all, remember a couple weeks back when I was paranoid about the bear situation?  That comes into play here.  See, Julie went for a walk this morning and promised to be back by 6am so I could go.  When she walked in (I had already finished the "perfect setup" and was ready to walk out the door), she says to me, "Did you hear that GUN SHOT?"  She proceeds to tell me about what sounded like a gunshot to her and the flock of birds that flew off when they heard it.  The last words she said to me as I headed out the door?  "There is literally NOBODY out there.  I wonder if somebody was shooting at that bear?"

Cool.

On that note, I headed out with images of gang fights and bears in my head.  And honestly, I was already paranoid about the run (which I'll get into a little bit more later).  Today was supposed to be 5-6 miles and I was determined to run it, no matter what, so the plan was to run my 5k route 1 and 2/3 times.  I got to the starting line (it helps me to have defined start and finish lines), pressed play on my iPod, and started the day's journey.

The playlist today consisted of inspiration (my brother-in-law Steven's talk on prayer - http://www.twogomers.com/chaptercamp2010/), an emotional story (Irene Pepperberg - The Moth Podcast) and sports entertainment (The BS Report with Bill Simmons).  The first mile and a half was amazing.  It just felt really good and strong.  I finished the first 5k in under 33 minutes, took a drink, and kept going.  The next couple miles were good, too, but definitely more difficult; especially mentally.  The last mile I had to audibly tell myself to keep going a number of times.  I kept saying, "Just get to that fire hydrant/that tree/that corner/that truck..." to keep me going.  I did do some walking, but was able to finish strong and came in at 57 minutes total.  Color me pleased.

This run was really important for me.  The week was littered with minor personal failures (I perceived them that way, at least) and worries about the future (financial and otherwise).  I just felt like I couldn't do anything right, ya know?  So, I was worried the run would be the same.

Being an introvert, I get caught up in the whirlwind of thoughts spinning around in my mind, which is a dangerous occupation.  And things, even good things, seemed to conspire against me this week.  For instance, Thursday night I got to meet up with my brother-in-law, Alex, and his youth group who treated me to some amazing Chinese food.  Al also gave me two huge slices of Chicago style pizza which I ate for lunch on Friday.  And then yesterday I went to the Brewer game with my friend Chris, and we tailgated (of course); brats on the grill, taco dip, macaroni salad and beers.  Then friend cheese curds during the game.  See?  All amazing, but not very helpful for my diet.  And really, are any of them going to kill me?  Of course not.  But, it was still like, "C'mon, dude."

And my dreams the other night were a slight indication that I'm stressed out right now.  Every time I fell asleep, I was being suffocated.  The most vivid was when I was dressed in a mascot costume and people kept piling those thick gym mats on top of me.  I tried to remain calm and breathe, but being claustrophobic doesn't help.  I remember muttering to myself, "I cannot believe I'm going to die like this."  I also dreamed that Julie was coming at me with a bat and I was like, "If she hits and breaks my right arm, I'm dead," so I kicked her in the face.  I'm not sure what that one meant.  I'm chalking it up to self-defense instruction.

All this to say...I needed this run to go well.  I needed to accomplish something good.  I needed to know I could do something right.

And now I know.

It feels good to be reinvigorated.  To be able to say, "Yeah, last week was hard and I didn't make great decisions, but today is a new day.  I have so much to be thankful for and so many supportive friends."

Last Tuesday, Scott, one of those supportive friends, gave me some good advice, too.  I was talking about the whirlwind of stressful thoughts in my mind and how I needed to just grab onto one thing to hold my ground.  "If you need something to grab onto during that whirlwind in your mind...grab onto Jesus," he said.  That advice has been invaluable to me this week.  Especially when I remembered to actually do it.

Thanks, Scott.